…? 

How do you do it? 

How can I just turn off feeling? That would make everything so much easier right now! 

I made the mistake of letting a tear fall, and now I can’t make them stop! 

I want to turn off feeling, because that would be better than feeling this unnecessary!

July 19, 2016

I wasn’t sure what else to really headline this entry, since there’s no real ‘topic’, so the date will do.

Since I last wrote, things have gone down, then back up, then very high up… and so many little things in-between.

I almost left Sir (we’re just going to call this a blip of Amanda insecurity, fear, and in some ways, hurt… hurt that came spilling out over what ended up being an extremely civilized conversation, that I wasn’t expecting.) Really, that’s all the detail you need, I’m not hashing back over it, it hurts too much, and I’m moving forward, not backward.

I’ve decided that I want the medical field… in some/any capacity, I don’t care if it’s only clerical, all the cogs need to fit together to make a well-oiled machine, and I want to be part of that machine. I’ve been studying medical terminology, some areas of psychology, and just, in general, saying out loud as often as possible, “I really want this!” Hopefully, I can get an actual area narrowed down in the near future, and school will fall into my lap! I might actually be holding my breath for this one. I’m keeping my head up!

A small, possibly strange experiment took place for me this month. I stopped posting to Facebook, and until last week, wasn’t really even looking at it regularly. It’s been 23 days since I posted. And while this may seem like a weird/small thing to some. I was an avid, constant Facebook poster.
This came about because it was an experiment in self-esteem. And this did work. I found that I am not as concerned with what people think. Or with the fact that I am ‘imperfect’ by the worlds’ constantly changing standards. I’m not as worried about the fact that my hair is a short mess and isn’t growing very quickly. Nor am I worried about the fact that my makeup is never “on fleek” (I don’t make up the terms, I just know where they’re supposed to be used!)
As it progressed, I realized something else… out of the 144 friends and family that I have on there… not a single person seems to have noticed. Or, if they have noticed, they haven’t said a damn word. I’m not really sure how I’m “supposed” to take it. But, I know that when it came up in conversation with Sir and my dad last weekend, I shrugged and said “Oh well, I know who does worry about me, and they’re in this room.” They both nodded and smiled, and seemed happy that I wasn’t freaking out about it.
I’m not really sure what, if anything, will happen in the future on that front. I also know that right now, “out-reach” isn’t on my top 10 list of daily activities. I’ve loved the quiet of not stressing over answering people “in time”, and worried that my response might upset someone. I’m keeping to myself.

I’ve had a lot more time to read, and write. And this has been more than good for all of us. When I’m reading, I feel a little smarter, and eloquent. And when I’m writing, I feel a lot more unburdened by my inner thoughts, and worries.

Overall, I think I’m doing better. I think I’ll make it. I think everything is going to be just fine… 🙂

That Look… 

The perfect start, slow and sweet… 

You start by sucking and nibbling on my nipples, I’m reaching and moaning already. 

You voice what you’ve probably always known “Your left nipple is so much more sensitive than your right.” 

So, you give the right one more attention; sucking, nibbling, biting and tugging. As if to tell it to get with the program! 

I feel your cock move closer and closer, teasing me, hard as a rock, pulling away and looking down at me. 

I know what you’re looking for. 

You’re looking for the look. The perfect look of want that I kept from you for so long. 

For the longest time I would simply close my eyes and feel the moments, not stare into your eyes as they happened. 

Because before you, Sex had become routine. A choreographed dance that I felt disconnected from. 

Your touch, your kiss, your body does more for me than I ever could’ve imagined was possible. 

These are the moments that I can’t read you… I have no idea what you are thinking when you’re above me. 

But as you move in and out of me, position my legs where you want them to be, mold my body to the perfect place of pleasure… 

Tonight, they glistened. There was a sparkle I rarely see. 

“Look at you, all smiley.” 

“How could I not be?” 

As I close the door to your room, and head down the stairs, I’m still smiling. 

How I miss you when you’re away. And how I crave you when you are home. 

That Look… That Sparkle… I’ll work for it! 

What’s Your Opinion?

In my last journal entry to Master, I wrote something that even I thought, was pretty brilliant…

“I think that the real problem is that we think about the relationship status too much. We try too hard to define everyone’s stand in society’s eyes, and in turn, we end up destroying all the good things.”

I have an abundance of saved relationship reading. Between Kindle, WordPress, and saved files on Facebook, I could read for months on how to make relationships work, and what the “red flags” are that prove your relationship is over. And sometimes I really think that this is the problem with Master and I’s relationship. I really think there are days that it poisons, or at least distracts, from the real point. The real point is, I love Him. And He loves me.

 

Do I wish some things were different? Of course!

Is there anything that I can do to change those things over night? Of course not!

He’s never going to be “The Perfect Guy” and I’m never going to be “The Perfect Girl”

I told Him I wouldn’t cry tonight…. so I’m ending this post before I do…

He Knows Me

It is no secret that Master and I have had our ups and downs lately. But in the past few weeks, it’s been nothing but ups. 

I’m starting to realize, and read Him in the areas that He has changed, and accept them as they are. 

Lately He hasn’t been as short with me if I’m out longer than I plan on being. He tells me to be safe, and get back when I can (I’m sure underlying there’s a sense of urgency, because I leave Him alone with 5 kids, and they’re quite mischievous at the moment)! But, overall, He’s been a lot more understanding in this, and many more, areas. 

We teased each other today, that we’ve known each other too long. For a whole conversation today (and several moments throughout the day) we knew exactly what the other was thinking. It was all small things, little quirks of conversation… But we knew. We fluidly finished each others’ sentences. It was unreal to me. 

I found myself just staring at Him. He would look up and ask “What?” I told Him “I think we know each other. And I wasn’t expecting it to be on this level… I’m not sure why!” 

He chuckled and said “Oh no! So is it time for me to get rid of you and start all over again? That sounds like too much work?” 

“Where would you look?” 

“Oh, I have so many choices….” 

“Like what?” 

“Baby… This isn’t going to end up sounding like a joke to you. And it would be too much work to get to this point with someone else. I know we are having fun, but you’re going to hurt your own feelings in a minute.” 

Damn it… He’s even got that one down now! He knows exactly when the sarcasm should stop. When to remind me, it’s just a joke. When to stop me before something gets said that will end up ruining my mood for hours! 

I’ve never had someone who knew me like this. And I’m sure I’ll find some unreasonable reason to be incredibly mad at Him in the next few weeks, so I just needed to document the way that I’m feeling right now! 

He knows me. The stupid things. The important things. The little things that He says ‘make you happy, and that’s exactly what you deserve… To be happy!’ 

He has no idea what today has done for me. 

Even sitting on “our sides of the couch” tonight didn’t feel like the distance it usually does to me. It was that comfortable space between us where anything could happen, because… He knows me! 

Self Portrait

Photo Challenge, Day 1 – Self Portrait.

The quote that I chose for this particular challenge is: “Don’t Shoot what it Looks Like, Shoot what it Feels Like!”

For that reason, and for the reason that I recently chopped off my hair and I’m not 100% thrilled with that decision, I chose to photograph the things that showed part of who I am as my Self Portrait:

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

My computer keeps me attached to my constant research, and reading. My phone keeps me constantly in contact with Master and my parents, which keeps me smiling! The journal I made this week, to keep me in contact with myself! And my ‘Americana Box’ which for some reason makes me happy to see daily. When I’m writing, I use it as my desk, and it’s the perfect size for all my small projects too!

What things do you see yourself in?