I wasn’t sure what else to really headline this entry, since there’s no real ‘topic’, so the date will do.
Since I last wrote, things have gone down, then back up, then very high up… and so many little things in-between.
I almost left Sir (we’re just going to call this a blip of Amanda insecurity, fear, and in some ways, hurt… hurt that came spilling out over what ended up being an extremely civilized conversation, that I wasn’t expecting.) Really, that’s all the detail you need, I’m not hashing back over it, it hurts too much, and I’m moving forward, not backward.
I’ve decided that I want the medical field… in some/any capacity, I don’t care if it’s only clerical, all the cogs need to fit together to make a well-oiled machine, and I want to be part of that machine. I’ve been studying medical terminology, some areas of psychology, and just, in general, saying out loud as often as possible, “I really want this!” Hopefully, I can get an actual area narrowed down in the near future, and school will fall into my lap! I might actually be holding my breath for this one. I’m keeping my head up!
A small, possibly strange experiment took place for me this month. I stopped posting to Facebook, and until last week, wasn’t really even looking at it regularly. It’s been 23 days since I posted. And while this may seem like a weird/small thing to some. I was an avid, constant Facebook poster.
This came about because it was an experiment in self-esteem. And this did work. I found that I am not as concerned with what people think. Or with the fact that I am ‘imperfect’ by the worlds’ constantly changing standards. I’m not as worried about the fact that my hair is a short mess and isn’t growing very quickly. Nor am I worried about the fact that my makeup is never “on fleek” (I don’t make up the terms, I just know where they’re supposed to be used!)
As it progressed, I realized something else… out of the 144 friends and family that I have on there… not a single person seems to have noticed. Or, if they have noticed, they haven’t said a damn word. I’m not really sure how I’m “supposed” to take it. But, I know that when it came up in conversation with Sir and my dad last weekend, I shrugged and said “Oh well, I know who does worry about me, and they’re in this room.” They both nodded and smiled, and seemed happy that I wasn’t freaking out about it.
I’m not really sure what, if anything, will happen in the future on that front. I also know that right now, “out-reach” isn’t on my top 10 list of daily activities. I’ve loved the quiet of not stressing over answering people “in time”, and worried that my response might upset someone. I’m keeping to myself.
I’ve had a lot more time to read, and write. And this has been more than good for all of us. When I’m reading, I feel a little smarter, and eloquent. And when I’m writing, I feel a lot more unburdened by my inner thoughts, and worries.
Overall, I think I’m doing better. I think I’ll make it. I think everything is going to be just fine… 🙂